I’ve been out of commission for the past few days, fighting a nasty case of bronchitis. Perhaps it was the realization that a dog doesn’t have opposable thumbs and therefore cannot run off to get me Nyquil, orange juice, or tissue. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I tend to have some pretty radical thoughts when experiencing a fever. Whatever it was, eternal list-maker I am, my mind turned to the pros and cons of being sick and single.
All right, the cons first. Because you always start with the cons first.
Cons of being sick and single:
No one to notice that you’re completely dehydrated.
No one to drive to the store to get your meds, your OJ, your tissue or Vicks.
No one to remind you to take your meds when you black out.
No one to notice when the dog has started eating you because he thinks you’re dead.
Having to stay home on a weekday, and when conscious, finding out that Tony Danza has a talk show now (WTF?)
Yeah, that pretty much covers it.
Pros of being sick when you’re single (rah rah GOOOOO Team!):
No one has to see you looking like hell.
No one complains when you throw tissues on the floor.
You can wear the same thing for three days, because who gives a rat’s ass?
You won’t keep anyone else awake with your coughing.
You can lay, listless, unable to speak, and just watch old On-Demand episodes of Sex and the City.
And yet, I'm picking my sister up from the airport in two hours so we can shop all weekend in the new layer of snow that fell yesterday. Bronchitis, Shmonkitis. Maybe I'll buy one of those diamond tiaras at Tiffanys on Michigan Avenue. You know...the ones that are made specifically for blushing brides. If you ask me, they are a complete waste for a married woman. A single woman would get much more use out of a diamond tiara, accessorizing with it daily.
I'd wear mine to go to Walgreens for some more Vicks.
