Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Big Purge of Irritants and Looking Ahead to The Year of the Ox....

Some believe that with a new year comes a new, clean slate. A shiny new look at life that allows us to chuck all the negativity from the past year and start anew. This week, I’ve been in somewhat of a funkified mood. I could blame my hormones, the stress involved with the holiday season, the overabundance of sugar and salt, or the fact that I’m facing another year, still have some unattained goals and therefore am feeling my mortality. But the reasons are neither here nor there. I’m a solutions kind of gal. And, the ultimate solution to this week’s funk is to look lovingly at the present, then forward to a bright and sparkly future, free from any negative vibes from the year past. Keeping with that notion, I’ve constructed a list of everything that’s annoyed the crap out of me this year. Yes, it SEEMS somewhat negative, but really, it’s a positive, cathartic way of gaining clarity and focus on the pending happiness in 2009 that I shall revel in like a giggly little girl. So, before I create my not-yet-thought-about, let alone written New Year’s Resolution list, here is the list to end all negative lists of 2008. Expelled like a good sneeze to make room for the positive of 2009 – the Chinese-calendar-proclaimed year of the Ox.

The List of Everything That’s Annoyed me This Year – 2008 Edition.

1. Kim Jong-Il. Might as well start with Lucifer himself, right? This guy’s a complete whack job psycho, and his beady little eyes and the way he looks like a horrible Korean Elvis impersonator irritates me. Al Qaeda Shmaeda. Jong-Il is Hitler reincarnate, and yet the guy still gets up every day, brushes his teeth, puts on his pants, and rules an entire country full of a gazillion people as a horrific dictator. The devil himself is living and breathing in North Korea, he’s got the stature of a newborn gopher, and yet we can’t off him with some cool technologically-advanced sniper or bomb or something? There’s no group of Navy Seals or special-force group of military excellence that can go over there and just eliminate this guy? Really? I don’t get it.

2. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie just keep having babies and are actually starting to frighten me a bit. They’re overpopulating the world so much that I fear we may completely run out of natural resources due entirely to their offspring. I don’t understand when it became trendy to reproduce like the canine species, doing it so consecutively that you can’t even ENJOY the child that you delivered five minutes ago, because you’re too busy having a turkey baster shoved in you to conceive the quadruplets that you MUST HAVE within your belly before the previous baby can even focus on an inanimate object with its little newborn eyes.

3. Going Green. I married a guy that doesn’t even believe in Global Warming. Now, even though I do think it exists to some degree, I am pretty annoyed by all the hype and propaganda surrounding it. I bet all the hippies of the 60s are shaking their non-shampooed, patchouli-smelling heads and asking why all of a sudden it’s so celebrity-chic to be “green.” All those REAL environmentalist vegetarian/vegan hippie people are wondering how in the hell Paris Hilton can say she’s environmentally aware when she uses up more natural resources than most third world countries. It’s become trendy in a stupid, US magazine way, and smart retailers are capitalizing and charging more for all this crap that is labeled “green.” And people are buying it. I mean, wearing a t-shirt that says, “Go Green” sort of becomes null and void when you’re driving a Suburban, don’t you think? And, if I decide to buy a Prius to help the environment, why in the hell should I shell out 30K for it? It’s not worth 30K. If I’m spending 30K on a car, I’ll get a nice-looking BMW (a used one…how’s that for recycling?) – not an ugly Prius, thanks.

4. The Duggars. Kind of the same thing as Brangelina, but I believe their ultimate goal is way different. Even though they’ve inspired the taglines, “Uterus – it’s not a clown car” and “it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway,” I feel as though they are good, God-fearing people that actually do cherish their kids. But I also think they’re certifiably nuts and that their child-stockpiling may be a plot to ensure that their family survives beyond the Armageddon. The sheer number of children will put them at a clear advantage for familial and genetic survival. And this sort of annoys me perhaps for the same reasons I get annoyed by packrat people who save everything and have too much clutter in their homes. I’m just sayin.

5. The Republican Party's Withered Image. If I thought being an Independent Libertarian would actually make a difference in this country, I may have voted as one in the last election. However, I usually vote Republican in most elections I participate in, because of two very specific reasons. One, I loved Ronald Reagan and wished he was my grandfather, and two, I’m vehemently opposed to anything resembling socialism in any way, shape, or form. With that being said, I attended a Sarah Palin rally back during the 2008 Presidential campaign and I was so taken aback by the amount of rednecks and old people that call themselves Republicans. First of all, the Republicans need a way overdue, complete face lift. They are in desperate need of a marketing and branding overhaul. I think they need me and a team of people much like the guys on “Queer Eye” to completely re-brand them from the ground up. They need to ditch the country music, learn to embrace new technology, and become just a bit more “hip.” Otherwise, they will perish. I saw it first hand at that rally a few months ago. People like me don’t particularly want to be associated with anything resembling white trash, rebel flags, or country music. I find all three offensive, really. I’m not saying that everyone who’s a Republican is a redneck, but I saw firsthand what the major demographic is, and it’s not educated, working white females in their 30s, that’s for sure. Nor do they have even a small chunk of the younger demographic, who will eventually take over this country (yeah…it frightens me, too). When the “what will my country do for me because the world owes me something” mentality finally takes over for good, we will all be equal and drone-like, whining and pathetic and waiting in line for bread. I don’t want to see that happen in my lifetime. Rebranding is necessary…..it’s as simple as that. Wake up, Republican Party. Get your heads out of your asses and do it for the Gipper.

6. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. I don’t know what she is or does, but I want her to go away. And that thing called Spencer has pubic hair on his facial area. They’re not actors or entertainers, nor do they work, I don’t think, yet they’re slathered all over magazines in the checkout line at Target. I don’t get it. Someone please make them go far, far away.

7. Michael Vick and everyone else who abuses animals. If you can treat an animal like crap, you can treat people like crap, and you, therefore, are a piece of crap. Case in point: Jeffery Dahmer tortured animals. In fact, all serial killers have three attributes in common: arson or a fascination with setting fires, bedwetting, and abuse or torture of animals. Anyone who mistreats an animal should be looked at closely and monitored from that point forward. Period.

8. MTV - Making your young, impressionable daughter a raging slut since 1989. I think 1989 was around the time they quit playing music and began to teach our young women how to be promiscuous and vapid little tramps. MTV blows. I miss the days of fun A-Ha videos and Martha Quinn.

9. Scientology. A religion? Really? Come ON. It’s a cult based on a science fiction writer dude who had a fake degree. You might as well praise a box of tampons. But, people are stupid enough to buy into this crap. The celebrities, then the wannabe non-celebrities who join this freak show brigade make me shake my head at the human condition as a whole. Do you remember when Katie Holmes wasn’t in a Scientology prison, spoke actual words from her mouth, and was really quite cute? I know it’s hard to remember, but she was a pretty young woman once. So sad.

10. Pretty much all 18-24-year olds. OK, that's a bit rough. I fully admit that there is a big handful of this demographic that I do love, like, and can tolerate, but I can honestly say that most of them annoy me. This is because I am in contact with them on a very regular basis, and I feel as though I’ve earned the right to say that. This generation is one of false, yet almost overpowering entitlement. They’re completely out of touch with reality, spoiled-rotten, and the people my age who’ve raised them perpetuate this new cycle of greed, materialism, and a lack of self and civil responsibility. Time Out is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of, and half these kids would've been well-served to have a good paddling. I suppose I should list 35-50-year olds on here, too. OK, I will. See number 11.

11. 35-50-year olds that have raised all the bratty, self-absorbed, materialistic little 18-24-year olds mentioned in number 10.

12. Pageants. I was horrified to learn that these still exist in 2008. And, although I was in one once –I was a freshman in high school – I even found it creepy on the other side, experiencing it. They’re antiquated, and the ones with the little itty-bitty girls are total freakshow advertisements for pedophiles. Pageants blow. They should be made illegal.

13. All those American car company bailout jerks. I have to bail them out WHY? Because their cars suck and people preferred more reliable, ahead-of-the-curve foreign cars that actually did good R&D, and now I’m forced to pay more taxes to make sure all those American-car executives get to keep their cushy jobs and golf memberships? That is a pile of crap. Do your job well, hire good people, and make a good product, American car companies. Then you wouldn’t have to ask Jane Q. Taxpayer to bail you out. This is a capitalist nation, last time I checked. If your business fails, no one should have to bail you out. That’s life. Get over it. Get up. Move on. Start another business or go work at McDonalds if you have to. That’s why America rocks. All those slimy little executives screaming, “HELP!” should send me some sort of fruit basket to thank me for the fact that I’m paying for them to be playing 18 holes of golf right now. Jerks.

14. The Kennedys. Maybe it’s because they’re all a bunch of posers who do bad stuff and then repent and give a lot of money to the Catholic Church expecting to go to heaven, of course, as a result of their insanely huge bribe abilities. Right now, it happens to be the fact that Caroline Kennedy thinks she can slip into a senate seat because she’s, well, a Kennedy. And what’s really scary is that she probably will. No matter that she has no political experience whatsoever...she’s a Kennedy. And a lawyer to boot. So very irritating.

15. And, last but definitely not least, the Florida Gators. Because it’s so much FUN to hate them. All the chomping hand gestures and stuff...my own father, who lives in Jacksonville, has been taken in and fed the proverbial Florida Kool-Aid. They've gotten to him, obviously sucked the loyalty out of him, and made him believe that they're worthy of being in the same category as the Vols. Yeah, right. It's called senility, Dad. Gators SUCK.

It's official. I feel cleansed and purified to now start working on my 2009 New Year's Resolution list. Funk GONE. Kaput. Goodbye.